Rachel’s Story with Krav Maga
I often say “Krav Maga gave me back my life” and I truly mean it with all my heart.
My freshmen year of college, a “friend” raped me in my college dorm room. That moment changed my life. I have come to realize that sharing my story empowers me, takes the fear out of the experience each and every time, and helps encourage other women to also “take back their life”.
I will spare the horrific details here because I do not want to trigger anyone reading. But if it would help you in hearing the details of my story, please do not hesitate to ask. Hearing other’s stories is therapy in itself and I have no issues sharing with those in need.
I did report the assault, one, because the police were called and I had no choice, but two, well, because the police were in my room asking if I was ok. However, it was two male officers who told me if I was raped, I would need to go directly to the hospital for a rape kit and there was no way I was going anywhere or to be touched by anyone. So for 20 years I stuck with the story that it was a sexual assault (which is bad enough in itself) and pushed the incident deep down inside thinking I could move past it if I didn’t acknowledge what really happened.
Twenty years. 20 fear-driven, panic stricken, freeze response, couldn’t do or go anywhere by myself years I pushed it away.
Fast forward to age 37, when my 6 year-old daughter was joining karate class, where I couldn’t sit through an entire class because of the sounds of people hitting/kicking pads or the information they would talk about. To the time I also had two younger sons and was being asked why “mommy can’t take us to the park by herself”. To the time when my then husband would get overly frustrated and exhausted with me because I asked him to go with me to get gas in my car, to get groceries, to run silly errands that I could never do by myself. To the time I had had ENOUGH!
I started watching Facebook videos my daughter’s dojo posted about Krav Maga, self-defense, black belt graduation, attack scenarios and I would bawl my eyes out while sitting alone on the couch. I attempted to walk alone that same summer on a beautiful road in Maine, but ended up in a massive panic attack which led me to email Sensei Matthew Nordberg about Krav Maga and if it would be for me.
Late August, 2017, I walked into the dojo for a private lesson with Sensei Nordberg. I hadn’t slept in weeks, I was shaking from fear, cried all the way there, hands trembling and dripping with sweat, but looking at the car seats in my rear view mirror, I knew I had to overcome my greatest fears.
Taking my shoes off and walking onto the mat was by far the hardest part, but Sensei Nordberg was there every step of the way. For one hour, I cried, I shook from fear, I panicked at every sound I heard, but I ALSO hit the pads, (attempted) a couple wrist grabs, and let out a scream when I kicked as hard as I could. I knew I had a very, long way to go, but I also knew this was the most immersive therapy I could give myself.
Poor Sensei Nordberg was maybe 22 at the time, lol, and not exactly sure what to do with me, but he did his absolute best. He talked to me about PTSD (which I said, “I was never in war”), breathing, focusing my mind, and all the wonderful attributes of martial arts that are now a part of my daily life. A quote I will never forget and tell myself and others frequently is “Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.”
It took me over 5 years to get my First Degree Black Belt, but it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Five long years of crying, panic attacks in the bathroom or on the mat, outside therapy, and meditation on my own. The first three of those 5 years I went to as many Krav Maga classes I could, but also paid extra for private lessons doing ground work, my biggest fear of them all.
I’m pretty sure I blacked out for most of my black belt test because I don’t remember much. But I do distinctly remember my wonderful partner, Cara, looking at me, grabbing my shoulders and saying “You did it!! You just did ground! It’s over!”. Well the test wasn’t quite over; we still had to run the mile, do our push-ups, squats, plank, and spar for 9 minutes, but the hardest part FOR ME was over!! I did it. I conquered my greatest fear in the most fearful setting I imagined, and I was STILL fighting.
I owe so much to Sensei Nordberg, then Sensei Burns, Ms. Ro, and Ms. Jenn for helping me along the way, and I want to pay forward what they have helped me gain….my life back. To anyone, male or female, reading this, enough is enough. You do not have to live in fear, panic, or terror anymore.
Along my journey, I have learned many ways to effectively overcome fear and panic, to fall down but get back up again, to train my brain to know I am safe. Please let me help you in the start of your journey to “get your life back.” Together, we can overcome fear with proper breathing techniques, mindfulness, meditations to do on your own, and of course cry. Because crying and letting your emotions out in a safe space is also therapy and should be done.
I wrote a long “thank you” post on my Facebook after my black belt test. But the part that means the most to me is: “To the 18 year old girl whose life was forever changed and driven by fear… You can rest, I got you.” And I do. And so can you.
“So that one may walk in peace” – Krav Maga
**Rachel trains at Americas Best Defense in Mansfield, MA and will gladly partner with you when you are ready**